Always check the DVD players. That's the first thing on the checklist. Against the back wall, a pair of poorly constructed faux-wooden shelves, amidst a clutter of wires and takeout menus, the four DVD players. And beneath them, two boxes. One on the left, one of the right. Each filled to the brim: "Dirty Goddess - Volume 5", "Ebony Erotica - Volume 5", etc. Take a gender/profession/race/felony/childish scold, add a sexual description or slang. And voila. Its probably a title in one of the two boxes. Each cover boasts at least one penis. Even, so it appears, the lesbian ones.
At least two DVD players should be running at all times (assuming there are any occupied rooms). Eternal flame style. As the number of guests increase, so too does the amount of porn broadcast. Luckily, the DVDs are long - four, five, six hours. And don't demand much attention. When one has finished, I drop it into the box on the right. And grab a DVD from the box on the left. The manager, whom I'll call Dan, told me I could preview them if I wanted to - there's a TV hookup in the office. I nodded, awkwardly, trying not to laugh. The same awkward nod I gave when he told/asked me if the motel was "a nice property."
He's a good guy and this is his job, afterall. He realizes the motel is not for everyone. I'm just not really sure who it is for yet.
I do have clues. The "Africa Suite", as I'll call it, has a trapeze swing at the foot of the bed. The "Hollywood Suite," a closed circuit camera - we provide a blank DVD upon check-in (included!). We have "Afternoon Delight" specials - 4,6,8 hour room rates.
Billed as a honeymoon destination, its pretty clear that this place caters to some sort of sexual tourist. And said tourist likely resides in the small Central Pennsylvanian city where we're located. People come here to have sex, to cheat on their husbands or wives, to live out compulsive fantasies, and to do things I probably cannot even begin to fathom. Those who do end up here from faraway locales (an hour's drive or more) are generally unhappy. The list of complaints is extensive and hilarious.
"Room 126 called first to complain of a bat..." "Room 130 came up front very distraught, almost in tears, and said this was the dirtiest room she ever stayed in..." The first two I saw.
As a rule, the hot water and A.C. are iffy. But people don't do their homework. They aren't swayed by the fact that our website lacks pictures of the rooms. They don't consult TripAdvisor (because if they did, there's absolutely NO way most of them would stay with us.) It sucks, but what can I do once they're here? Just do my best to help them enjoy their stay.
And that is why I have no moral qualms with what goes on here. I'm not going to touch anything in any of the rooms.
I'm not sure how this will affect my views on sex, procreation, love, intimacy, venereal disease, drugs, the whole gambit of cultural awkward topics. Thus, the blog.
A chronicling of my experiences here will follow. I work overnight shifts (night audit) and evening shifts. I work alone. I am allowed to do whatever I want as long as my work gets done. There is no work to do. So I read, write, and will hopefully be able to bring my guitar in to practice.
I am that guy. Sitting inside the fly-riddled office of the seedy motel, beset on all sides by the whirring of DVD players, ice machines, coffee makers, and the faint drone of the highway.
I am that guy. Join me, won't you?
